Fifteen minutes went by before I realized I was at the wrong bar mitzvah yesterday. When I arrived late I was relieved when heads were down in prayer so no one would see me sneak in. After I settled into the last pew I looked around to see which of my friends were there. Strangely I didn’t recognize a soul and was honestly surprised at the crowd - they weren’t what I had expected from my very stylish friend. When a young girl (not Elliot) was standing at the front of the temple I was even more suspicious, but I thought maybe she was a relative of the family. I persevered for a few more minutes before I knew something was askew. I tapped my neighbor on the shoulder and whispered: “Is this Elliot’s bar mitzvah?” She mouthed back, “No.”

Luckily, I was at the right temple, just in the wrong sanctuary. I’ve only attended a few bar mitzvahs in my life but have had the same feeling after each one – a subtle envy for such a rich and meaningful tradition. I admit I have struggled with how to incorporate religion and faith in my family life. We belong to my childhood Episcopal Church but seldom attend. The truth is I feel closest to God in nature, not in a pew. However, the values instilled in our church are important and at times I regret that I haven’t made it a priority for my children. Moreover, I value the community that church provides, and leaned on when both of my parents died. And, I think a strong sense of belonging matters especially to adolescents. Yesterday Elliot publically thanked not just his family but also his coined “Jew crew” – the kids with whom he’s gone through the very arduous journey of learning Hebrew and preparing for his bar mitzvah.

The meaning of the word mitzvah is derived from the commandments (there are many) and essentially means an act of kindness or a moral deed. In addition to studying the Torah and learning Hebrew, acts of service are required. It is believed that these acts of service will be the foundation for living morally and faithfully. As an adolescent, bar mitzvah creates a rare moment to pause, reflect and learn about one’s identity and history. At the service, Elliot’s parents are asked to share the values they’d like to instill in their son. It’s a chance to formally (and publically) give advice. I love what they said: Give back in service, and live thoughtfully; don’t just let life unfold. Inherent in the day was a strong sense of pride, not just from Elliot’s parents or the Rabbi, but especially from Elliot himself. He was beaming from his accomplishment and content from a feeling of a greater connectedness.

I left wanting to create a rite of passage for Charlie, Teddy and Cate that includes hard work and the joy and pride of accomplishment, connecting meaningfully with our family history, feeling the reward of giving back through service, and developing a spiritual self that will sustain them through life.

Maybe we’ll do it in the woods.